Fleeting Thoughts. Time Anxiety?

Taken back at 2 months. One of so many precious milk-drunk moments.

I realised I probably didn’t need to create a website blog. It seems blogging is something you can just do on Instagram now, but I’ve decided to keep this blog anyway, because there’s something about having a space to ramble. I know only people who want to read this are likely to read this far and there’s something comforting about that. Feels like the social media equivalent of cosying up in a pillow fort and chatting about life at 2am after one too many glasses of wine.

Right now it’s 6:51pm on Tuesday evening, 8th Feb. I’m curled up on the sofa with Leo sparko on my chest after a feed, and Crumpet curled up on my lower legs. It’s now a couple of hours later and in that time I’ve moved to eat dinner, played some more games with Leo and now it’s back to curling on the sofa in the exact same position as earlier, Leo asleep on my chest and Crumpet asleep on my legs. Earlier Leo was glancing up at me every time I had a hiccup, his cheeky little chops grinning from ear to ear. 

I notice I have a lot of time anxiety lately. It’s not something new but I find since having a Leo I have an even greater longing to capture the magical moments and sometimes even moreso the mundane (every bit as magical in their own way). I know they’ll be gone all too soon. It’s funny to think about all the hundreds of times so far that I’ve been curled up on the sofa breastfeeding. Leo feeding or sleeping while I plant little kisses on his head or cheek, twiddle my fingers through his tiny tufts of hair (he’s been pretty bald most of this time), take hold of those tiniest of hands or feet and study each perfect finger or toe one by one, and breathe in that baby scent before it’s gone forever. There are times it can feel trapping when Leo feeds to sleep and I’m stuck here unable to nip and make a coffee or simply go for a wee, but really I love every minute. I know it’ll be hard to part with. Never has anything felt so bittersweet; my excitement to watch Leo grow vs. my desperation for each stage to never end. Speaking to other mummas I’m reminded I’m not alone in this, although I know this doesn’t happen for everyone. PND is all too real and I sympathise with anyone struggling to cope. 

Still I can’t help thinking this is why we have children. This is what I was missing. This is why I wish we’d started earlier. I used to worry my life would change too much and I’d regret having kids. Has it changed? Yes, exponentially. But 100% for the better. Two flames have lit another and the force of that fire - that love - is extraordinary. It is overwhelming and all-consuming, and now I worry about how I’ll cope when Leo’s no longer little.  

I feel the luckiest.